We’ve been in Juneau for over a year now. We’ve had 8 visits from family and we’ve visited family 3 times. That’s 11 instances where we had to say goodbye or see you later. With all those opportunities I’ve found that when we visit family it is always so much harder to leave. D and I have the same conversations every time we leave. We toy with the idea of coming back and throw out ideas for where we might want to land and how we think we could make it happen. Additionally, we always talk about how hard it is to leave and to have to be the ones taking BB away from her family and grandparents.

This last visit was even harder. D and I talk about it still. BB was comfortable with her grandparents and they were able to just play and have fun. She is able to communicate with us more and is able to ask for people by name. She understands more as well. This time she was enamored by her grandfathers. We knew she was already a daddy’s girl and so we shouldn’t be surprised that grandfathers were also her favorite. The whole time we were there she would ask for her Tata by clicking her tongue. The hardest part was trying to help her understand why he wasn’t around anymore when she asked for him later that night and on the plane the next day.

Moving away was a huge decision. A decision I stand by still, we have grown so much and have learned a lot about each other, ourselves, and our family. I love where we are at in our lives, with our family, with friends, everything. We have good friends, BB has a couple really good friends that she enjoys playing with, I have found good mom friends that I enjoy being around, D… he’s working on it! D and I are closer than ever, we have to rely on each other and there is no room to let a miscommunication cause a huge riff in our relationship. This move has strengthened our communication skills exponentially. Additionally, we are getting comfortable in our surroundings and our routines. With that being said, it’s easy to over look and selfishly deny how much BB loves and needs her grandparents, aunt, and uncles around especially with the busyness of everyday life. It’s easy to forget/overlook how much we need them in our lives and even how much they would like us to be a bigger part of theirs.

This is where I find myself in a sort of a pickle. I want so desperately to find a middle ground here. Somewhere where we have all the good of both worlds. On the one hand I love where D and I are. Our marriage is as strong as it’s ever been, we are on the same page and we are a team, we rely fully on each other. I love that we get so much time with BB. Selfishly I love that we don’t have to share any memories we don’t want to, that we sort of get to hoard all the little memories and keep them all to ourselves. Then there is the other side… I love watching BB with our parents. My heart explodes knowing how much she means to them. I know that they love her probably more than they love us and that she is their whole world (or 1/2 their world because we can’t forget her cousin!). I think I just wish it was easier to let our parents see and be as big a part of our lives without compromising all the time we get as a family which is the reason we are where we are. It is really a strange feeling wanting two things so opposite of each other.

This struggle is on my mind daily. I know that things like this blog and skype help but there is just something so special about the time they get to spend tickling and cuddling that can’t be done long distance. I feel guilty that we took BB away from them all the time. I question our decision and I wonder how or if we could make it work somewhere closer. Then I usually end up thinking about how hard it would be to take BB away from her friends at this point and she’s only 18 months!! (Not to mention how much I would miss their mom’s. Also, how I selfishly don’t want to give up or change what we have going on now.

Until I can figure out a happy medium, we are going to make the best of what we have. Skype, photos, this blog, and visits as often as we can.